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31 May 2015 @ 10:21 pm
I love it when people show their true colours sooner than later, I think that's a given for everyone right? I mean who wants to be around someone pretending to be someone they're not for longer than necessary? Of course sometimes, much like in my case, it's actually great when they're pretending to be this other person because the sad truth is, the person they're pretending to be is SO much better than who they actually are. Take for example, you meet someone and you think he's amazing and he tells you everything you've ever dreamed of hearing, he treats you like a queen and of course this is what you deserve, but you're no pushover and he knows this hence the pretense. He does everything right to get you exactly where he wants you then when you, being the genuine human being that you are, fall for him in return, all of it suddenly disappears and you're left wondering if any of it was ever real. Chances are, it wasn't. He was just an A grade asshole who wanted to win the game and sorry to say it but, you let him. Now don't feel bad, it's not your fault that you're an honest person.

Most men like that will never be satisfied in life as I've come to realize (having dealt with more than one, and listening to my friends share their similar experiences). These guys live for the challenge and coming out on top (both literally and figuratively). I still find myself wondering if any of it was real, and truth be told maybe some of it was but he didn't even realize, and due to the fact that he was unaware means that it doesn't really matter. That my friends, is the sad truth. Sometimes you just have to take it in stride, know the difference between a blessing and lesson they say. Of course you're going to have those moments where you overthink every possible scenario that has happened and could have happened had things not gone so badly, well, STOP, because there was never any "could have." That may sound harsh but you can't beat yourself up over something that was just not going to happen no matter how hard you tried.

I go over my own shitty situation constantly in my head, analyzing ever minor detail and NOTHING comes out of it except a whole lotta self-loathe which I don't deserve. It will never make sense and that's something I need to accept and make peace with (believe me, it ain't easy). Again, you'll probably tear yourself down wondering how you could have been so stupid, much like I have, but sometimes clarity comes in fleeting moments and you'll realize it's not that you're stupid at all, you're only human. I'm usually a pretty good judge of character and I guess I just wasn't this time (or maybe I just wanted one thing to be good in my life so badly that I ignored all the signs), because I'm not experienced in the art of trickery and playing with someone's emotions for my own selfish gain. So don't shred your self esteem because of another person's lack of appreciation for you. You are not what people think of you, or don't think for that matter.

I've taken away some valuable lessons from this mess, number one being, I am worth it. Always. I refuse to belittle myself to comfort someone's ego.

xoxo, Shantilly.
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Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Earned It - The Weeknd
21 April 2015 @ 10:14 pm
I know this was shortlived and we moved fast, too fast probably, but it meant a lot to me. I believed every word you said, even though I was cautious. None of it was ever ideal and you should've just left me alone. Just fucking leave me alone. I was finally back on track with my life, moving on from a really terrible situation and you built me up just to tear me down. Tell me, was that fun? Did you feel good knowing that you had that power? I hope you got something out of it, because I'd hate to think it was all for nothing.

I tried so hard to overlook some of the obvious flaws, like the fact that I provided solace for you from a really shitty situation which makes me the rebound, right? Yeah, I just don't want to think of myself in such a way, because I know I'm better than that. But God fucking dammit, WHY did you even bother? I know, I KNOW, I gave you an out, I gave you the best fucking opportunity you will probably ever get, but what did I get in return? N.O.T.H.I.N.G. Oh wait, that's not entirely true, a whole lot of heartbreak, disappointment and embarassment. And jeez, spare me with the fucking pity party, I feel nothing, it just makes me even more angry at the fact that you USED me, when I was nothing but open and honest with you. Did you ever even care about me? Did you even think about me once? I told you so many times, from the start of it all, don't give me what I want then come 2 months after and say you've changed your mind. Low and behold, that is exactly what you did.

I let you in more than I've ever let anyone else in and believe me, that's a big accomplishment, considering I don't let anyone in, ever. It's not for a lack of trying, I do try, I just don't trust easily, but somehow, my clearly warped sense of judgement, made me trust you. Trust you so much that some small part of me thought that you cared enough to not totally fuck me over. I was wrong. I'm not sure anything you ever said was true. I think there was truth to a lot of it, but not wholly. I think you showed me who you want to be, not who you actually are and that's pretty sad. It's sad that you COULD be such an amazing person but you CHOOSE to not be. There's always a choice, and I guess what you chose says a lot about you. But being the person I am, I still can't judge, I just say maybe you always knew that's what you wanted to do. I was an unexpected surprise, you didn't expect to even like me (not sure you ever really did or it was all a game), but somehow, something happened and all this mess ensued. Of course there were good times, I won't ever forget those, but the fact that you turned out to be so completely horrible to me is what stands out the most.

I don't exactly know what was the purpose of you telling people about me if this is what you intended to do (don't try to tell me it's not, if it wasn't then it wouldn't have been so easy for you to do). You just had to make me look even more like an idiot. The little girl that fell for everything even when it was all made up. Did I boost your ego? That you had me right where you wanted me? I feel so so STUPID. I'm actually a pretty good judge of character, that's one of the things I'm actually good at. I get a feel for people the moment I meet them, and it baffles me how I never felt like there was anything wrong with you. I guess you're just that good at hiding it, or I'm just too naive. It's so weird that I still think you're not all bad, and that makes me feel worse because how could you not be? You showed me that you are. You showed me that none of this meant anything to you, that I was just a replacement for her because you couldn't have her at that point, but as soon as you could, you went running right back. I AM BETTER than just being a replacement for a girl like that, who can't even treat you properly. It's funny how she suddenly knows all the right things to say and do when she realizes you were slipping away, little did she know, you didn't go anywhere, you were just waiting for her to come back. That's all well and good bro, but you didn't have to drag me into it, and butter me up with sweet lies and false promises. This was not a game for me and I'm pretty sure I made that clear. You didn't have to play with me like the shiny, new toy you got for Christmas, then toss me aside for the old one that you're used to. I am a person, just in case you forgot, I think you did.

There is so much more I have to say, I just can't even find the words right now. Guess I'll add them in when I do.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: Wicked Games - The Weeknd
26 June 2014 @ 03:37 pm
Throughout 2013 and the majority of 2014 thus far, life has thrown numerous curveballs my way. Despite everything I've been through during this time, I'm still sometimes surprised that I managed to survive without severe mental damage/emotional trauma (although that is debatable). Needless to say, I'm very well aware that I'm not the same person I was, I've become less trusting and cold, but the old me is still in here somewhere, I know this because I still have naive thoughts on a lot of things, and I still end up seeing some good in people who are generally really shitty people.  This mindset of course, fucks me over greatly but I'm thankful for it, thankful that I haven't let the bad completely transform me into an unrecognisable monster (once again this is debatable since I frequently think I am).

I'll spare the dramatic, boring details but in a nutshell during the past year and something, I've lost all but one of my good friends (these hoes ain't loyal), I lost the one person I've loved more than anyone in my life thus far, both my parents have fallen ill numerous times, financial issues are forever looming, my own health has suffered severely, people extremely close to me have gone to sickening extents of taking my life away and succeeded to a certain degree thus leading to me becoming someone terrified of trusting anyone and paranoid to the point of several mental breakdowns. But, I survived, I persevered and I made it. After all, how do we grow without change? Personally, I think my old personality is a big part of the reason I'm still here today, my inability to give up, fighting for it all, still fighting and working hard for the things I want, and the things I know I deserve. I kicked those curveballs' right out of the stadium.

Lately with all the talks of graduation looming, it's been incredibly stressful. I know my circumstances were much different and I was unaware until it was a bit too late but it still crushes me to know that I could've been better, that I could've had the things I worked towards, had it not been for them... The graduating list hasn't been put out yet but I'm supposed to be on it *fingers crossed* I have all the credits I need to complete my degree, all the courses required and I haven't failed anything so I'm hoping for the best. There's also another thing that I'm hoping to achieve but I rather not write or speak about it too much, in fear of jinxing it and all.

After taking all of the giant curveballs in stride and somehow managing to make it out alive I'm really really hoping for a bit of a turn over, I've handled a lot more alone than some people even could with a support system. I've been so disappointed in myself for so long, I just need a little to be proud of. I've worked my ass off through all the pain and managed to do pretty well so I'm hoping it pays off. One of my favourite people in the world right now has got to be Tyler Knott Gregson, check him out @ http://tylerknott.com/ he's such an amazing individual with a very unique and interesting way of seeing the world, he's one of those GENUINELY good people (and we all know there aren't much of those left) and his work is absolutely fantastic! I came upon a piece he wrote today which actually inspired me to write this post, and it got my spirits up a bit,

"Please, be proud of the pieces that make you, you.  Embrace the oddities and hold onto them with everything you have.  These strange little quirks belong to us, and only us, and they are all absolutely vital in creating the bigger picture that is who we are.  Be proud of yourself, because if you are, it never matters who else is.  Because when you are, the inevitability of people believing in you and being proud of you too, is such an amazing bonus to the strength you already possess."

This is definitely one of those things that I will try to always keep in mind because it's the truth, plain and simple. I'm proud of the person I am and I know there are a lot of people that can't say the same. Of course I wish my life was a bit more exiting and a lot better off in general, but as for me, I am proud of myself.
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: The A Team - Ed Sheeran
09 June 2014 @ 07:04 pm
Lately, the rise of makeup has dominated all age groups of women (and men). I've noticed a considerable rise in makeup artists all over the world, self-taught and professionally taught. It's a growing obsession that I, admittedly have also fallen prey to. I love makeup. Of course I love being natural as well, but I just love the things you can do with makeup and the changes it can make that do wonders, especially on those bad skin days, it's sort of like magic. However, being a darker skinned individual I've noticed from a young age that it's pretty hard to find makeup that suits my skintone. The face of beauty has always been beautiful, porcelain looking girls with milky white skin, rosy cheeks and pink lips. The diversity that has recently emerged with this sudden increase in makeup-lovers has me swooning, now that I can actually find a foundation and powder that matches my skin, and not one two shades too light. This is actually kind of amazing in case people didn't realize. Seeing the widespread diversity of skintones, it's a pretty spectacular thing to see cosmetics companies finally getting it right with a range of products suited to every type and colour of skin.

I recently came across this FANTASTIC article by Anita Bhagwandas that I can relate to very well. It's a really good read, and shows the perspective from the other end of the spectrum.


The rise of make-up for darker skin

Stylist’s beauty assistant Anita Bhagwandas has spent 14 years struggling to find make-up to suit her. Finally, we’re entering an age of cosmetic equality.

"Mum said I can’t play with you any more because you’re brown…” That moment, aged five, the frosty playground of my primary school became arctic; it was the day I became acutely aware that the colour of my skin made me different.
I was one of a handful of non-white children in my year. Unlike so many ethnic minority children who face a torrid daily existence of namecalling, I was never bullied past an obligatory ‘Paki’ or ‘you’re the colour of poo’ comment. But those cursory derogatory remarks evolved in time, becoming fragments of self-hate that lodged in my subconscious. My deep-set feelings of otherness were compounded when making my first foray into the world of make-up. It should have been a fuzzy warmth of beauty exploration but sadly, that wasn’t to be.

Make-up trips to the small town centre in Newport, south Wales put me on edge. While my pale-skinned friends would coo over the shades in Boots, a powder compact filled with a rectangle slab of thick, heavy powder was my sole choice – it was two shades too light, a sort of tan, biscuit shade rather than my deep chocolate. I applied it on the hour, every hour. Yet, the more I patted away, the worse I seemed to look as the powder caked into every imperfection of my face.

I longed to look like everyone else, wearing pastel Barbie pinks rather than the maroon and plum shades my mum wore. Those silvery pink glosses never suited my skintone. As a retort, I’d use concealer to block out my darker-toned lips, or I’d slice up different lipsticks and melt them together in the microwave, like some cosmetic alchemist, to make paler versions of those plum shades – all to find the perfect pink lipstick for me. While everyone else looked like the models in Just Seventeen and Shout – all fresh-faced, with barely-there make-up and long, silky, straight hair – I couldn’t foresee a world where I’d ever fit in.

My mum, sensing my growing discomfort (and not wishing for any more of her Chanel lipsticks to fall fate to my experimental beauty massacre) took me to a department store in nearby Cardiff for professional advice – surely my capital city would have more to offer?
Colossal mistake. I was coerced into buying foundation shades too light (the girls on the counter had assured me it was the perfect colour for me). My self-esteem eroded more each time I had photos developed; I’d baulk at my face which resembled a Scream mask, painted tragically in my too-pale foundation, and I remember, painfully, on one occasion standing outside the photo shop, tears welling, immediately ripping up the pictures I’d just paid to have developed into the nearby bin. I watched as bits of my face languished next to discarded McDonald’s wrappers and cigarette packets. That was how I felt – utterly rubbish.

Change is Due

The next few years were pivotal. I made friends who didn’t subscribe to ‘normal’ ideals of beauty. I discovered black make-up brand Fashion Fair, and although the foundations were too dark and thick (the consistency was like Nutella), the powder was perfect. By the time I went to university, brands like Nars and Mac were celebrating self-expression, colour and difference – but I was still angry that they were the only ones. My study into black feminist theory gave me further reason to push against my forced assimilation and I took every opportunity to rebel in a flurry of dramatic hairstyles, psychedelic make-up and more reinventions than Madonna.

I’m still incredibly passionate about beauty so it’s no surprise I’ve ended up writing about it for a living. But I feel like my question has gone largely unanswered – why does the beauty industry think it’s acceptable to ignore darker skins? Since Bobbi Brown created her own line in 1991, she’s always been vocal about catering for all ethnicities. “When I started as a make-up artist, I’d have to create the colours for darker-skinned models by hand – they just weren’t available,” Brown tells me. “Now the beauty industry is recognising there are many definitions of beauty, instead of a one-size-fits-all approach.”

To that end, change is not only due but imperative, as beauty mirrors the current dialogue in society with attitudes to race. And it has already started. Last year, when YSL launched its Touche Éclat shades for darker skins, with black London model Jourdan Dunn as its face, it was a milestone. In June it’s launching Le Teint Touch Èclat foundation – it’s taken nine years researching 7,000 global skintones to create the perfect 22 shades, which reflect the full range of skintones found in our diverse world. Similarly, Lancôme consulted the US research group Women of Color to develop their new Teint Idole Ultra 24hr foundation – one of the most inclusive ranges I’ve seen in 18 silky colours. As a teenager, I scoffed at the idea that creating darker shades was such a difficult process, believing instead that the beauty world assumed a handful of brands was ‘enough’ for us. But a conversation with Terry Barber, Mac’s director of make-up artistry, set me straight on how laborious and costly the process is. “Lighter skins can get away with a mix of three colours to create their matching shades. Darker skins can look ashy or muddy if the shade isn’t correctly matched. It’s not a light undertaking to cater to the world’s skintone variations.”

In the UK, mixed race is the fastest growing minority and according to McCann Global Research the global complexion is changing, incorporating more darker skintones than ever before. So it’s no wonder that brands are taking note – it makes monetary sense. “Businesses don’t have moral obligations; they’re supposed to make money,” Kay Montano, make-up artist and Chanel ambassador explains. “But now they see that investing in darker skins is profitable. It may not always occur to them, for example, if there isn’t someone non-white on the committee. I saw a body product for ‘normal to dark skin’ recently. It wasn’t meant maliciously but there’s an element of ignorance.”

Traditionally it’s been the select few brands catering to the myriad skintones that fall between black and white, but now Estée Lauder, Benefit and Chanel are channelling their efforts towards ethnic skins with more shades and richer pigments.

Make-up isn’t the only beauty sector upping its game. Mizani, a L’Oréal-owned Afro haircare brand, has expanded its distribution by 71% since 2009, and it’s set to increase a further 30% by the end of this year. The recent influx of thinning hair ranges from brands like Aveda, Nioxin and LA Science cater to anyone concerned about hair loss, but are especially useful for Afro and southern Asian hair types which tend to suffer more. The increasing popularity of hair oils from L’Oréal, MoroccanOil and Kérastase are ideal to nourish ethnic hair that’s been over-processed by extensions, straightening and bleach.

Skincare seems to be wising up too. Women of colour are predisposed to hyper-pigmentation, sun spots and uneven skintone because of the increased amount of melanin in the skin and brands such as Dr Nick Lowe, Kiehl’s, N°7 and Darphin are all launching new products aimed at fading and regulating the production of pigment-producing melanin in the skin. What’s different now is the language; they’ll talk about fading and brightening rather than racially loaded terms like whitening or bleaching.

Eastern Asian skins are also being exclusively catered for. Origins are launching VitaZing BB SPF 35/PA+++ Revitalizing Cream with Mangosteen, to meet the needs of paler skintones, while Creme De La Mer launched its new Brightening collection, designed to prevent discolouration – a key ageing concern for eastern Asian skin.

David Horne, Illamasqua’s director of product development, explains why the key to evolving the beauty industry is how we represent skintones. “It comes down to how we stereotype race. For example, darker skins often get ‘the rainbow’ or the bronzed Beyoncé treatment editorially, when they look just as beautiful with natural shades.” But it’s also the case that within certain cultures, ideals of ‘beauty’ are so woven into the fabric of society that pulling away is a mammoth task.

“Indian beauty is so heavily influenced by the perfect pale-skinned Bollywood look and Middle Eastern beauty idealises a Disney style, Kim Kardashian perfection – it’s been the same for decades,” says Horne. But the most radical change is coming from eastern Asia. “For the first time, the younger Japanese generation are becoming more involved in hip-hop culture, so their ‘ideal’ aesthetic is changing from pale to a dark tanned look. These changes will start to impact global aesthetic. That’s how change happens, it’s grassroots.”

New Attitude

This paradigm shift is crucial; especially as powerful documentaries such as Chris Rock’s Good Hair(2009), Miss Representation (2011) and Dark Girls (2011) have brought the issues of beauty and race to the forefront. If you’re looking for a reason to try something new, to embrace your skin colour, your curly hair or just buck against the norm, then I implore you to watch the scene from Dark Girls that led me to write this feature. A young black girl is asked to pick out ‘the cleverest’ and ‘the prettiest’ from a line-up of identical cartoon girls with different skintones from white to black. Instead of picking the one that’s her own colour, or even the one in the middle, she chooses the white one.
That shocking scene is reason enough to demand change in all areas of how race is represented in beauty – from editorial images to make-up and skincare products. It’s time that beauty brands join the revolution and help pave the way to a future of equality and acceptance – it’s not a moment too soon.

Link to the article (http://www.stylist.co.uk/beauty/the-changing-face-of-beauty#image-rotator-1)
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Gone Gone Gone - Phillip Phillps
The past three weeks were consumed by my final, final exams of my undergraduate degree i.e. B.A Literatures in English with History. So now I'm free for a few months, awaiting results, hopefully, *fingers crossed* I've passed them all. Now whilst I await a job offer, I have all this free time on my hands, well for the rest of May at least. Excess free time = OVERTHINKING = Disaster.

After a series of whirlwind events, I've come to the conclusion that I like the bad guys aka the douchebags aka the assholes.

Why? I wish I knew. Before anyone decides to judge me based on the typical stereotype that women fall under however, it must be noted that most "nice guys" aren't nice at all. I've come to this conclusion after a self-proclaimed and a so-called "nice guy" went nuts on me for something that was incredibly minor, childish and frankly, pathetic. Men can't handle rejection in any way, shape or form, even the thought of it makes them lose their composure which is why "Mr. Nice Guy" (who thought he was being super smooth) went crazy on me when I called him out on his BS. Firstly, this guy was basically forced into my life, I didn't want to get to know him, I was offered the opportunity by a mutual friend and I told her I don't think I want anything with anyone right now. She went along and gave him my number anyway and based on the circumstances, I didn't actually mind(he wanted to apologize for something on behalf of her). But then...he started messaging me non-stop, and acting as though I was this desperate girl that should be thankful for his affection (I highly doubt this is what he actually thought but that's what it came off as). Desperate is one of the top things I am NOT, so this in turn annoyed me to no end. I still continued to entertain his conversations without actually prolonging them or giving them any sort of depth or leading him on, as a matter of fact I made the conversations as boring as I possibly could. Needless to say, he did not get the hint. So I still responded when he messaged, out of courtesy, cause you know, I have manners. When he decided to flip out on me for calling him out on a VERY poor move on his part, I was done. It made me utterly furious and that was it, case closed, "nice guys" are just douchebags in disguise. That being said, I of course know that not all nice guys are like this, but the majority are which I'll explain later on. This therefore leads me to my next point >> I rather deal with an actual douchebag instead of one pretending to be the good guy.

The kind of guys I'm actually attracted to are the ones you can just look at and tell that he's an asshole. I can see how this might make me look incredibly shallow on the surface, but anyone that knows me can tell you that I rationalize every single thing, down to the very last detail, due to this particular "skill" of mine, I rationalize that all these "bad boys" have hearts of gold hidden somewhere, it's just up to the right girl to expose it (a cliché again I know). Just in case you're thinking that I'm a gullible idiot, I'm not. I know I'm more than likely not that girl, hence the reason I never pursue any of these guys I'm attracted to, but acknowledging that they aren't just what they seem like on the surface is what attracts me to them. Again, I'm well aware that some of these guys may be just as disgusting on the inside as they are on the surface, but I still like to give them the benefit of the doubt, and since I'm keeping my distance no harm done onto me because I'll never actually know.

There's always something intriguing and mysterious about the bad boys, but I kid you not when I say, sometimes I know nothing at all about certain guys and yet I'm attracted to them, and even when I do find out about some of the awful things they've done/do, I still manage to find an upside to their situations (I personally believe this is a mental defect on my part). Anyway, I'm sure it's already quite obvious that I found a guy like this that I'm completely smitten with/blinded by, why yes I have. He's absolutely terrible, I won't even try to defend him, most girls would probably run in the opposite direction knowing the things I know about him. I on the other hand, have managed to rationalize with myself that it's all good and he's not all bad. He is though. I know it, I just refuse to accept it. The fantasy is too much better than the reality and since reality sucks lately, I prefer to stick with my fantasy since it's highly unlikely that I'll ever meet him. I know that if I do meet him, I'll more than likely be incredibly disappointed and drop the whole thing like a hot potato, but that's life and according to Katy Perry, "Acceptance is the key to be, to be truly free."

Now back to my statement that most good guys are douchebags, apart from the fact that they can't handle rejection just like all the other men out there. The good guys are always moaning about finishing last. The thing they fail to realize is, the girls they pursue are the ones that aren't worth the pursuit, just like all the other men aka the assholes, the good guys gravitate towards the girls that don't care how much they do for them, they just want everything they can get. Do you catch my drift? (nowIain'tsayinsheagolddigger) I don't like debasing my own gender but let's be real, the good guys are always running after the girl that's been known to get around, and then they wonder why they finish last up against the asshole who has the looks, the money and the disgusting attitude to match hers. Get over yourselves "good guys" you're just as shallow as the assholes because if that's the kind of girls you're after, it's clear that you're not as deep as you think since all you fell for was her physical appearance. Oh! And another thing, good guys all like to say they're not fans of makeup because it's so fake, but do y'all really think her face looks like that without the makeup? Girls like makeup (in no way am I condoning cake face though), but you guys also like it judging by your choice of girls so, GET OVER IT and stop frontin'. You wouldn't finish last if you went after the girls who were actually worth it so stop pretending to be the victims, you're just another closet asshole.

My mind is an incredibly fucked up place to be as you can see. My way of thinking is going to screw me over one day but I still have these incredibly high hopes that one day I'll stop liking these assholes and finally decide I just want a "DECENT guy" (since we've established that good guys don't actually exist). Today is not that day.

I may edit this rant later, but I needed to get it out there.
Current Mood: deviousdevious
Current Music: Drunk In Love - Beyonce ft. Jay-Z
23 April 2014 @ 05:26 pm
Is it strange that from the moment I saw you I felt a spark like no other? Magnetism so strong it had me questioning everything. I've never thought myself to be a believer in the concept of love at first sight but, 8 months later and I can still remember seeing your face for the very first time and the flood of emotions that came along with it.

Butterflies, that's what they call it, but I'm pretty sure I felt the entire animal kingdom.

This is crazy.

Even after finding out so many unsettling things about you and having my guard up, I still can't shake the attraction. Let's face it, you're easy on the eyes, you know all the right things to say, you came into my life at a very strange time. I can't deny that my previous relationship was already in turmoil the first time I saw you, but I'd never once felt anything for anyone throughout tenure of that entire relationship. It shocked me to the core, it still does when I think of it.

It's obvious that you aren't perfect, no one is. I know that based on everything I've heard and seen thus far, you're nothing but trouble, but something about you captured me and refuses to let go. Maybe I'm just blinded but I'm not quite sure by what, because I felt it with one glance, before I knew anything about you, even your name.

It's all so so strange. I feel like there's a connection there, I don't even know what or how, but I still hope for a chance at finding out.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: All At Once - The Fray
21 April 2014 @ 06:07 pm
It's amazing the difference time can make. Change is inevitable, it's a part of life, we all need to grow. In order to grow we must accept these changes and allow them to shape us into what we are to truly become. Alas, some things are easier said than done. You know that saying, "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"? Well, it's probably the most truthful thing I've heard in a long while.

If it isn't obvious yet, my life is once again in shambles. Kinda funny that this is the place I chose to come to once again when I've gotten to this point. Somehow it seems private, though I know it isn't. Usually I'd write all this down in my hardcopy journal but I like the idea of someone somewhere reading these types of posts, not sure what the actual reason for that is yet though. Anyway, since the last time I've posted on here, I lost pretty much everyone I thought I'd have around for a long time, and I kid you not, literally a few weeks after that last post, I cut off two of the people I trusted the most at that point in time. It hurt, of course, betrayal is never an easy pill to swallow, but it was necessary. At that point forgiveness was not an option, nor was letting them back into my life. I just couldn't, it was like giving them an opening to do the same thing all over again, and I'm not the person to let that happen to myself when it is preventable. The way I see it, they weren't really my friends to begin with if it was so easy for them to turn their backs. That portion of my life is over, their chapters are over, and I really believe at this point that I'm over them. They no longer have any influence on my life or emotions, which in itself tells me that I've grown tremendously.

On to the later half of last year, this was basically, no, it was the worst portion of my life thus far. It's one of those things that have enough impact to make you forcibly re-evaluate your entire life. Heartbreak, that's what they call it. I'm not so sure anymore, because I feel it all the way into my bones and the pain still renders me immobile sometimes. Now, I knew everything was not okay, it hadn't been for a long time, it hadn't been since the moment he decided to take on a new "project." Of course we argued and fought over it numerous times, but he somehow managed to convince me that she meant nothing to him, this was of course a blatant lie, considering that he uprooted my entire life because I could not find it in me to be accepting of this "friendship." I don't deny my wrongs, I never do, being able to accept your wrongs is what builds character (in my opinion), I overreact, I have tantrums and random explosions but this is something he knew. He knew all of this about me and he made me believe that he was fine with it, that he accepted me as I am. How wrong was I to believe this? VERY. I was completely delusional. But I loved him, so so so much, I still do, I won't try to hide that, I do. He was the only person that I let in so deep, he was the only person I gave the tools to destroy me. And he did.

He left me without so much as a warning or a reason. It felt like someone ripped away a piece of my soul. Yes, I know this sounds terribly dramatic, but it's the truth. Within the following months I felt like a shell, an empty shell, everything was gone, everything I knew was abruptly torn away. We fought relentlessly after that, I no longer knew who I was, I became this unrecognizable person to myself. I begged for him to take me back, for us to work it out, nothing worked. He clearly didn't love me as much as I loved him. All those insecurities and feelings of inadequacy came back full force. Not good enough, never good enough. And the not so ironic part: he was fine. Absolutely fine, demonizing me to all his friends and such, whilst I was dying. I felt hollow. I went to school, sat in lectures, heard nothing, saw nothing, watched faceless people pass by, everything was a blur. Sometimes I'd find myself sitting in class and the next thing I knew, tears were running down my face and I needed to get out of there as fast as possible. Similar occurrences took place in everyday life, just standing somewhere or walking down a hallway, and everything hurt. Everything was painful, there was no other emotion, nothing but pain. I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. Somehow I managed to dig myself out of this hole of depression, I don't know how but I managed and I'm grateful.

The circumstances from then to now have not improved much, every single occasion was utter torture. Christmas, New Years, Valentine's, Our supposed to be 3rd Anniversary, all of it was absolutely awful. If it's one thing I love, it's occasions to celebrate, I love them, and being so unhappy throughout all of these has been terrible for me. I get it, no one cares, everyone's got their own thing going on, but I wish someone would. That's all you really need sometimes, someone to care, someone to say "I'm here."

Here's the thing, lately I've realized that he's the reason for all of my unhappiness. He still has this iron grip on my emotions and I hate it, I thought we could be friends but I'm starting to think that we can't, I can't for that matter. He's destroying me, more than he ever has. It's the worst feeling in the world to go from someone's everything, to nothing. And believe me when I say, he makes me feel like nothing. I feel like the worst person in the world everytime we fight. He makes me feel like I'm not allowed to feel things like anger or sadness, he dismisses my emotions like they're nothing. It's like all he wants me to do is be constantly happy, for his benefit, and if I can't be then he wants nothing to do with me. He plays with my feelings and toys with my emotions and I'm actually starting to realize that this can actually be classified as emotional abuse, and I need to put an end to it. Everytime we fight, I feel like he just diminishes my character more and more. He takes things away from me that I didn't even know I had, he elicits feelings within me that I don't want to feel, jealousy, anger, hatred, I don't want them. I also don't want him to be another 'somebody that I used to know' I still love him way too much and it can't go on, I'm only sabotaging myself. I just can't help it but wonder...why? Why does he feel the need to diminish me? Does it make him feel like more of a man? Is that why he feels the need to inflict unnecessary amounts of pain on me? Hasn't he done enough? Everything feels like a lie now, all of it, from the beginning, the only truth he's ever said to me was when he said, "I don't love you anymore." If you loved someone at all, you wouldn't be treating them like this.

This was the one week I wanted to actually be incident free and happy and he's already ruined it for me, by making me feel like I'm a monster for something I didn't even do. This is insane. I realized this after we finished fight last night and I'm not sure how much longer this can go on. I don't know why he feels like it's okay to belittle me and break me down at every chance he gets. He goes all out with the abuse by the way, it's like, 'let me let you know that you're worthless and I'm amazing so you can come back and beg.' I think the one thing in all of our arguments that stands out at these moments is when he said to me, "I was probably the only guy you could ever get that would not cheat on you." Why? Why do I even bother? Why do I feel like I need him so much, when it's obvious that he wouldn't care if I dropped dead at this very second.

Why am I the only one that's ever hurt? Why do I always have to fight, to be strong, to pretend I'm okay?

I'm at the point where I'm exhausted. I feel like I have nothing left to give to anyone. The people I've met lately also tells me that there probably is no one worth the trouble anyway, no one's willing to put any work in for anything, everyone wants the easy way out. It's sad. It's a sad sad world we live in these days.
Current Mood: tiredtired
15 March 2013 @ 01:33 pm
Firstly, let me say, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013!

Yeah, that was pretty late, but I barely even come on livejournal anymore, I started using my blogspot more since 2013 began. I gave it a makeover, and decided to start fresh over there. However, I refuse to delete this blog because I think it has a lot of things on it that have been sort of, mini-milestones in my life, and I like going back through it and reading how I felt at that particular time, and seeing how far I've gotten now.

 Now for the 411. I'm in the second semester of my second year at University, pursuing a BA in Literature with a minor in History. So far, I think this semester has been the most rigorous. It's very jam-packed and quite rushed, I'm just working hard and hoping to pull through with good grades. I've got my mind set on those first class honours. I REALLY REALLY want them.

The months are flying by too fast, time is going and somehow leaving me lagging a bit. Next month I'll be 20, and I'm not sure I'm ready to leave my teens behind yet, without any regrets. I need to come to terms with that as well though. Next month will also mark 2 years since I've been in a committed relationship with someone who has taught me so much, and brought quite a lot of happiness into my life. It seems like everything just happened only a couple months ago. It's a serious strain on the mind sometimes when I think about it too hard.

Another thing is, I'm trying to find my way back to God, I feel a bit lost and disconnected, I am just really trying to get back on the right path and gain some guidance, which I am desperately in need of at the moment.

Yesterday, one of the most amazing things in my almost two decades of life, happened to me. I will not divulge it on here, I rather keep it to myself, all I have to say is that, it has managed to ignite a very strong flame of faith within me once more.

Anyway, as of now, I have 4 essays and 2 presentations to prepare, which are due within the next 2 weeks therefore, I must start.

Current Location: in my room
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Skinny Love - Bon Iver
07.04.12 - One year ago today, marked a very special day in my life, one that I'll remember forever. It's been a whole year since we've been together officially/unofficially lol An amazing year full of happiness, laughter, joy, celebrations, fireworks, first times, all that stuff, but as usual, with the good, there's always some bad, so along with the sadness and upsets, it's all been an experience of a lifetime. I do admit I was a bit confused after the 7th last year and that's mainly because it all happened so fast and nothing was official, however, it wasn't long before I knew that you were the one for me and after that I've never once looked back. I love you baby, happy anniversary and I hope we have many more together, you make me happier than I've ever been :) S <3 S

As is obvious, April is one of my favourite months in the entire year, mainly because it's my birth month! Yay!! So far it's been quite good, no upsets yet, (knock on wood). I've developed some love for One Direction :$ I'm not sure how, I just adore their music and Harry lol All my assignments for school are handed up and exams start on the 1st of May for me so hopefully I'll be prepared and see some better results than last semester :) That's all for now, have a happy Easter everyone! 

Current Location: room
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: What Makes You Beautiful - One Direction
18 January 2012 @ 09:33 pm
I've been contemplating my "official" new year post for some time now and well, I've still got nothing >.< However, I decided that it shouldn't be put off any longer, especially since school starts back for me on Monday. My workload is going to be tremendous with 3 History courses and 2 Literature. I'm actually kind of excited, KIND OF. I know as soon as the pressure hits, I'll be the first one ready to bang my head into a wall, repeatedly.

I finally got some reading done during this vacation, majority if it was done on my newest baby :D my Kindle Fire, affectionately dubbed "Blazey". I got around to reading the entire Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead, now I see why it's addictive, Dimitri Belikov and Adrian Ivashkov...yea, I'm totally a Team Adrian girl though, he's too cute to hate. I'm usually all for the brooding, bad boy type, which is essentially, Dimitri, and I do like him but, Adrian just tickles my pickle more I guess ;) I also started reading the Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, seeing as everyone is so into it, and to be quite honest, the movie really looks amazing so I wanted to read the books first but, I was instantly disappointed. It didn't grab my attention in the way I hoped it would and that's what I was afraid of, I do intend to finish it however. I also started reading the Iron Fey series by Julie Kagawa and I wasn't that into it at the beginning but, a few chapters into the first novel and I was sold. Ash, LET ME LOVE YOU! I intend to finish all four books before Monday so, wish me luck! By the way, I totally didn't end up writing a new story during the vacation but I did come up with some pretty great ideas, so I'm still brainstorming.

All in all though, I'm seriously hoping 2012 is better than 2011, because it's not that 2011 was THAT bad, no, that was 2010, I'm positive of that, after all, 2011 was the year that I met the first guy that really made a big impact on my life, for the better. I just want some improvements and I know only I can help myself, especially when it comes to academics, so I'm not making any promises to break, I just intend on trying really hard to improve in every aspect of my life, even just a little bit. The temper tantrums, the emotional instability, the laziness, it really needs to stop. I didn't make any permanent resolutions because I know I usually don't stick to them, so I'm just trying to help myself. So hopefully all goes well :) 


Current Location: room
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Tu Jaane Na - Atif Aslam